This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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