how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
