This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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