new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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