I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
