I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
