Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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