if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
