It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
