Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
