Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
