The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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