We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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