it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
