quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
