My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
