so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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