i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
