I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
