I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
