he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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