i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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