I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
