You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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