Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just had sex on a roof
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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