Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
