i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
