when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
