just survived the first fart of the relationship.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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