She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
