32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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