I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
