cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
