hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
