What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
