I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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