sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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