If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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