Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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