Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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