dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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