Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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