Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
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Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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