I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Barsexuality is the new black.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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