who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
