So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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