Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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