i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
