Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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