Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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