I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
