Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
