finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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