I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
