I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
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I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I deserve this hangover.
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