If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
