What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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