Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
