Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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